


Awake at Night

by becharlatan



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Broken Harry, Fluff and Angst, Illnesses, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 06:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4381475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/becharlatan/pseuds/becharlatan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You and I, we lie awake at night.</p><p>Or where Louis falls in love at first sight with a man named Harry. They chased their dreams together, until Harry gets sick and hope is the only thing Louis asks for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Awake at Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [apprehensivekitty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/apprehensivekitty/gifts).



> This is pure angst. And this might trigger emotions. I am sorry.

The first time he sees him, Louis was mesmerised and enthralled at the wonderful crates on his cheeks. Louis can’t help but grin so wide that his face might slip into two because the man’s dimples create holes in Louis’ soul too. He’s attractive, is what Louis thinks and he just can’t take away his eyes off him. His eyes are a beautiful shade of jade and almond-like, crafted perfectly on his face. Louis thinks he might get lost into it forever and he decided that he wouldn’t mind. His hair is tousled like a mop: curly, brown and wild.

The entire boy is painfully perfectly magnificent. Louis wonders how such man with giraffe legs can be the apple of his eyes (especially since the man with giraffe legs literally strides like a newborn giraffe—creaky and wobbly). 

Louis clasps tightly on the bag strap hanging over his shoulder and breathes heavily as if he kept all problems of the world in his lungs. The man is standing in the middle of the ground, students walking around him, holding brochures about the different organisations. And he’s just standing there open as if waiting for Louis to jump on him and make a bruise on his pale neck. 

Louis blinked once, twice and swallowed hard before approaching Giraffe legs. He thinks this is crazy but all insane things are the most important things and whoever said that might be wrong because, Louis is nervous as _fuck_. 

The man’s holding a brochure from the school radio’s club. Louis pushes himself near him making the brochure fall from the man’s hand and focusing his attention at Louis. 

Louis knew this would happen, but this is just breathtakingly magnificent. His eyes, his lips, his cheeks—everything is just wonderfully perfect. 

The man tilts his head to his side while furrowing his brows in an inquiry. “May I help you?” 

Louis smiles and stops himself from fidgeting because seriously, this is embarrassing and crazy. The man’s voice is so deep and slow, like honey grazing down slowly on his spine. 

And _shite_ , Louis. You. Got. This. 

He is into deep. And it’s been only 6 minutes and 8 seconds since Louis saw him and yet he’s into him. He’s _crazy_ for this man. 

Whoever said it’s impossible to fall in love, at first sight, then Louis would be more than willing to testify and tell his opinion about it. (He’s eating his words right now, because he used to doubt anything of such thing. ‘Love, at first sight, my arse.’) 

“Hi. Yes,” Louis stutters and the man tries his best to looked like he’s relaxed. He stands up straight and blinks at Louis who’s staring at him with wide blue eyes. “M Louis. Louis Tomlinson.” 

The man reaches out to grab Louis’ hand and Louis might just melt because the man’s hand is so big and warm, enveloping Louis’ small and skinny fingers. And holy crap, Louis thinks everything around them stopped. Literally, even the kid wearing a cheese hat across him stopped moving. Louis’ gaze is focused on the man before him, clutched onto his hand, tightly. As if Louis is scared that once he lets go everything will wind back to reality. Louis needs to get off of his reality and savour this moment. 

He needs to savour— 

“Hi, my name’s Harry. Harry Styles,” the man replies and Louis snaps back in the reality where everyone is walking again and the man with funny cheese hat is shoving cheddar in his mouth. Sheesh, look at that cheese. Oh, and Louis blinks as he flashes a weary smile. Harry answers with a small smile and Louis feels his heart skipped a beat because _Christ!_ , Harry’s an angel. 

“Hi Harry, uh. I’m Louis,” Louis says shyly and Harry laughs at him. 

“That I know, Louis. You said that awhile ago.” 

Louis smirks but the grin shoo it away. He looks at Harry who’s staring at him with joy-filled eyes. “Cheeky. Shall I invite you for coffee?” 

Louis almost bites the insides of his mouth, but he’s not scared. He’s not afraid because right now, he can literally think of all the wonderful things they can do together. And Louis promises to do all of it with Harry even if they just met a couple of minutes ago. 

Cliche. Yeah right. 

“I would love to, Lou.” 

Louis beamed and not because Harry said yes but because he called him Lou. Tummy summersaults are for sale today and Louis might have bought enough to last an infinity. 

— 

The place Louis is staying at is okay. He got himself a flat with Zayn. It’s a small flat with two bedrooms and lounge big enough to fit in a small couch for guests and a coffee table.They chipped in to buy a box tv for entertainment, or just to pitch in noise whenever. The kitchen is small, but it’s fine since they don’t really use it aside from tea and stock whiskey in the cupboards. Cooking is boring but pizza and takeaways are not. 

Zayn’s a roomie who turned the best mate after they met on the first day. Zayn is literally a god. Louis was almost stunned when they met and the first thing Zayn ever told him is: “Hey, I’m getting the bigger room because I’m taking up Arts. Paintings—you know? That’s cool, yeah?” His hair is flat and raven and Louis likes it when Zayn hangs the lit cigarette lazily between his lips. 

Louis is studying English and Communication Arts. A proper professor for drama is what he calls himself to be after uni. Zayn likes that. Zayn thinks he’s fitted for that since Louis is 90% drama queen. 

“All I’m saying is… He literally is the most wonderful person in the university,” Louis sighs as he fills his cup with tea. Zayn is holding a pencil and sketchpad while listening to Louis’ stories about his 3rd date with Harry. 

“So, are you two proper boyfriends now?” Zayn says eyes fixed on the pad and cigarette almost burnt down. 

Louis smiles behind his cup and shakes his head. Zayn isn’t looking at him when he did so when Zayn looks at him, as if waiting for an answer, Louis just rolls his eyes. 

“I haven’t asked him yet,” Louis explains and Zayn throws the pencil at him. It reached his exposed torso and Louis whined terribly. The drama queen he is. 

Zayn only laughs and grabs another pencil on the coffee table to continue sketching. He stubbed the cigarette butt on the ashtray and starts a new one. Louis looks at him and thinks of when to ask Harry about being his official boyfriend. 

Louis is into deep, don’t get him wrong. But he just wants to do this correctly. Remember: Louis wants Harry to stay forever. 

— 

He smiles widely when Harry said yes. It was like Christmas on September and blimey, Louis just can’t stop leaning closer to Harry. 

Louis brought him to a vintage themed diner a few blocks away from the university. They ordered pancakes for dinner and chocolate milkshakes to chug the meal down. Louis ordered to go chips as they walk under the star studded sky of Manchester. 

Louis, being a proper gentleman he is, offered to pay but Harry reasoned that they’re both students and it’s okay to split the check on their first date. It was sweet yet mental and Louis couldn’t argue because Harry’s looking at him with fond eyes and darn those dimples for being so lovely. 

On Christmas break, Louis promised to call every night so they won’t miss so much each other. Harry smiles at the thought and the night before they’re set to go to their hometowns for holidays, Louis asks Harry to come with him to his flat. 

Zayn was out and is staying over his boyfriend Liam for a week now and Louis thinks it’s just his way of letting them enjoy their time since holidays would be difficult. 

Louis prepares them tea while Harry sits down the couch and makes himself comfortable. He grabs a book from the coffee table and opens it to a random page. 

_god, there he is drunk again_

_telling the same old stories_

_over and over again_

“Do you write drunk?” Harry asks when Louis sits beside him. He replaces _Bukowski’s_ with a warm mug and Harry beams before leaning in to press a kiss on Louis’ cheeks. 

Louis adores Harry’s small, sweet antics. Louis is a sucker for that pair of dimples, so deep and blinding that he just can’t say no to. 

“Sometimes. I think being drunk means being free and at ease.” 

Harry nods as he sips his drink and looks at Louis intently. 

“When will you write me a poem then?” Harry pouts as he places the mug on the table beside the book. He grabs Louis’ mug and places it on the table as well. Louis quirks his brows and smirks at Harry. 

“You can’t just demand me to do such thing,” Louis snarks and Harry huffs cutely. He places his arms around Louis’ neck and pulls him close. 

“But you said, writers wrote best when they're drunk,” Harry reasons as he leans his lips closer to Louis. It was a soft kiss but passionate and mind-blowing. It was warm, heated but slow and wonderful that Louis can’t help but push himself closer against Harry’s bottom lip. 

“And aren’t you drunk with my love, Lou?” Harry continues and Louis just makes a sound before pushing Harry flat on his back. 

As the night deepens, Louis had pulled Harry into his room, mugs of tea forgotten and cold. They laid on the bed, legs and arms tangled under the blizzard and thought of being separated for Christmas. 

Harry is like fire penetrating and burning Louis’ skin slowly and permanently. He is like the sun, showering warmth and glee and Louis just couldn’t live without him. Louis gasps at every movement, like marking him, strong and full. Louis closes his eyes and holds onto him tightly, hold firm and promises forever. With every stroke, Louis kisses Harry’s cheek, eyes, nose, forehead, ear and lips. With every sound, Louis embraces tighter, holds him securely; thinking of everything but letting go. 

“I love you,” Louis tells him when Harry had already fallen asleep under the duvet, under his embrace. Louis is squished between the cold cement wall and Harry’s back, but he wouldn’t mind. It may be a single bed but it felt perfect. Comfortable. Fitting. His hair smells strawberry and peppermint and Louis thinks he will never get tired of this. 

— 

Harry crosses the entire university just to drop by Louis’ flat and wake him up before his morning class. 

“Morning classes should be illegal,” Louis complains as he cracks his one eye open to see Harry kneeling beside him. He smiles and pulls Harry, ruining the perfectly pressed shirt and jumper. 

“And you should be sentenced to death for enslaving a Photography major,” Zayn shouts by the doorframe. He’s wearing nothing but his pants. He’s a cigarette in his fingers and Harry smiles at him fondly. 

“Morning Zayn,” Louis shouts as he snuggles closer to Harry who’s half lying and half kneeling beside him. Zayn rolls his eyes. 

“Seriously, you’re making him walk half a mile just to bring you breakfast and wake you up before 8 am. Lou, that’s enslavement.” 

“Malik, you’re the one to talk. You get a share of food too, you twat,” Louis replies as he pulls the duvet over them. Harry turns to face Louis and Louis smiles at him. He leans closer to Harry for a kiss only to be disturbed by Zayn’s pulling the duvet away from them. 

“All I’m saying is—“ 

“It’s okay Zayn. I love doing this for Lou.” Harry cuts and Louis blinks. He scowls at Zayn for stopping him from lapping Harry’s lips and hey, Harry’s getting up already. “And I have to go. Meeting with school radio.” 

Harry turns to face Louis. He leans down to press a quick kiss on Louis’ forehead and dashes off out the flat. Louis looks at Zayn and Zayn stares down at Louis. 

“Not another word Malik,” Louis says but Zayn flicks a finger and hits him with a pillow. 

“Just be nice, yeah? I know Harry’s a ball of sunshine but at least show him efforts too,” Zayn says, his voice creaks and Louis removes the pillow to look at his best mate. 

“I show him exceptional efforts in bed Zayn,” Louis tries to joke but Zayn snorts. 

Zayn turns to walk out the room when Louis pulls him and Zayn let himself sink into the bed. He hugs Zayn with his arms and legs and Zayn sighs heavily before hugging him back. 

“I know, I’m sorry. I’ll be good to him. I’m sure everything will work out between you and Liam, yeah?” Louis says as comfort and Zayn nods. 

“Let’s go check what Harry brought us,” Louis says after a few minutes and Zayn smiles. 

The next day, Louis woke up earlier than Harry’s usual drop offs. He drops by the nearest bakery and walks towards Harry’s dorm. He resides inside the university dorms because Harry’s mum wanted him safe and near his building. 

Zayn is still sleeping when Louis took off. When he reached Harry’s room, Harry is totally bewildered. 

“What are you doing here? It’s 6 in the morning Lou,” Harry mumbles and Louis smiles as he leans down to press a quick kiss on Harry’s cold lips. 

“I brought us breakfast,” Louis replies and Harry’s eyes closes shut as Louis deepens the kiss. “I should woo you this time.” 

“Have you brought a banana then?” 

Louis shakes his head as he sinks into Harry’s bed. “But I have a better replacement for that.” Louis says with a sly and Harry laughs in between kisses. 

— 

They do couple things together. They go to cafes to hang out, wait for each other after their shifts. Louis works in the archive sections of the campus library to pay off the scholarship. Harry works as an intern in the university radio station and earns enough to last for food and other fees. 

On weekends they would go around Manchester, wall endlessly, sit by the bench and savour the setting sun. Sometimes, they would go to the beach, with Zayn and Liam. Sometimes they would hang out at their favourite diner, or pub where Niall, Harry’s partner in his radio show, would always tag along. 

Harry loves taking photos. He loves taking capturing Louis’ features in his old, vintage brown camera. Most of the time, he uses snaps of Louis’ to submit in his projects and reports. He loves Louis’ eyes. He loves the sharp cheekbones and every time Harry steals a shot, Louis would roll his eyes. 

Louis would recite words to Harry. Anything he could create, recall from his books and he would just recite the phrases for Harry. He would recite him sonnets, speak odes and Harry would look at him fondly, absorbing and keeping all the words in his heart. 

When the next term starts, Louis and Harry decides to live together. Zayn moves in with Liam and Harry moves in with Louis. They made it to last the next three years of uni. Everything felt perfect. 

Louis was blown away by how incredibly amazing it feels to love someone and be loved back. 

— 

After graduation, Louis was offered to teach drama in Princeton University in New Jersey. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Louis asks as he and Harry lie on their bed. It’s been two days since they last marched and Louis’ job offer starts in the next three days. Everything has been settled, ticket, a place for him to stay—everything but Harry. 

Louis has informed Harry about his career and Harry is more than supportive. He bought Louis proper clothes and Louis rolls his eyes. 

“If you’re asking me to return the Burberry coat I bought you a week ago, then you’re making a mistake.” 

Louis smiles as he hugs Harry closer. “I’m going to teach Drama not to be a model of some sort. Why did you even buy me that coat?” 

Harry turns to face him. Louis was taken aback with how Harry’s eyes are looking at him with tears but still smiling. He’s still beautiful and this pains Louis. How can someone even look more beautiful despite the tears? 

They were both silent and instead, Louis pulls Harry closer, tighter if even possible and sinks into the warmth. Harry nuzzles in his chest and Louis thinks he could stay like this forever. 

He caresses Harry’s back until Harry’s cries dies down and turned into softs intakes of air. He’s snoring lightly and Louis loves the way Harry’s hands fisted on the front of his shirt. 

Harry sends him to airport the next day. He takes a quick photo of them kissing in his phone. Louis tries his best not to cry and promises him to call whenever he can. Harry nods and kisses him one last time before they hear the announcement for Louis’ flight. 

Louis misses him already and as he settles on his seat, his phone buzzes. He grabs it underneath his Burberry coat and slides it open. 

It’s a photo of him and Harry kissing awhile ago. 

_I love you. Stay safe x_

Louis slides it back and buckles the seatbelt as the light flicks on. 

— 

New Jersey is wonderful, but Louis still feels incomplete. His day is composed of teaching drama, getting along the neighbourhood and missing Harry _all the time_. 

It’s been a month now and Louis wakes up from the hard knock on his front door. He gets up quickly, grabbing a shirt and sliding his glasses on the bridge of his nose. 

Louis opens the door and is stunned to see Harry and his giraffe legs. And god, he missed him. 

Even before he can utter out words, Harry had embraced him tightly and Louis clutches back, legs and arms wrapped around Harry’s torso. Harry steps inside, balancing Louis in his arms leaving his luggage outside. They can deal with that later, all that matters now is Louis in his arms and Louis’ lips in his. 

“What are you doing here?” Louis asks happily as they finally, after almost an hour of snogging and lip locking on Louis’ bed, pull apart. 

Harry beams. He’s a proper photographer now. He looks fit and tall and long curls brushing his face. He’s wearing a Burberry scarf around his locks and Louis plays with the curl screaming out of his scarf. 

“I got a work here. I mean, Vogue asked me if I want a transfer and they said I’m qualified to work in America.” Harry explains and Louis blinks. 

Harry leans down to press another kiss and Louis smiles. 

“I like that.” 

Harry nods and gets up from the bed. He heads to the kitchen to prepare them breakfast. Louis jumps off as well and heads to the front door to pull in Harry’s luggage. He looks at his lover cracking eggs and preparing toast and he just thinks he’s complete all over again. 

Harry had a concrete plan when he got in America. He’s planning to open his own photography business once his contract on fashion magazines terminate. He stays with Louis but travels to LA and NYC on some days. Louis is cool with it because at least Harry’s in the same continent with him. They wake up together, prepare dinner together and Louis’ favourite part: sex-- is wonderfully better compared to their uni days. 

Louis’ ambitions were loser compared to Harry’s. He goes to uni to teach, waits for Harry to drop by the university entrance and they would walk home together. They would wander around shops on weekends and eat ice cream (Banana, of course. It's Harry's favorite). Louis just couldn’t ask for more. Everything fits perfectly well that Louis just thinks that he’s reached his goal in life. 

Harry and Louis made it work. Harry’s the practical and sensible one. He may also be the clumsy one but he’s more reliable compared to Louis. Louis’ head is mostly _on_ Harry if not on essays and sonnets that needs to be graded every week. 

After a couple of months, Harry’s contracts end and he’d saved enough to open his own business. They asked for Liam’s help in opening one since among the five of them, Liam’s the one expert in business. 

Zayn and Liam had decided to live in America too. Zayn opens an exhibit once a week and Louis would always adore him for his paintings. Liam works as one of the best contractors in LA, looking for best lots and houses to sell. 

When Harry had finally opened his quaint and quirky ‘Tommo Snaps’, Louis takes him to a fancy restaurant which was held on the rooftop of their flat building. The restaurant’s speciality is chicken fillet stuffed with cheese rolled with parma ham. Oh and homemade mashed potato as a side. 

“Lou,” Harry says as Louis laid the plates and kisses Harry on the cheek. 

“I love you,” Louis says and Harry blushes as he digs in and beams because Louis had mastered this dish perfectly. 

— 

He didn’t see it coming, but it was the start of how Louis and Harry’s lovely storyline ends. 

After a few months in his new work, Harry gets back from holding a photoshoot in New York and just then his anxiety level rose beyond anything Louis had ever seen. It was disturbing and horrifying. 

“Louis?” Louis places his phone near his ear as quickly as possible. Eleanor is on the other phone, Harry’s secretary, voice trembling and small. Eleanor never contacts him when he’s in class. Harry wouldn’t allow him to disrupt him in his classes. 

“El? What’s wrong?” Louis asks as he steps out the room and asks his students to read Bukowski’s _invasion_. 

“It’s Harry,” Eleanor replies. “I mean, we’re back. Sorry, but something’s wrong with Harry. He just locked himself in his office. Perrie and I couldn’t reach him. I know you’re in the middle of the class, but can you come over and pick him? I’m so sorry Louis.” 

Louis slides off the phone and gets back inside. He tells the class to continue reading the poem and make an essay on it. He bids them goodbye and drives hurriedly to Harry’s office 10 minutes away from Princeton. 

Eleanor greets him and Louis sees Perrie standing by the door outside Harry’s office. “He wouldn’t answer. He’s been locked there for almost an hour now.” Perrie is also a photographer who works with Harry. She’s a good lass, and Louis like her because she’s been helping Harry with work. 

Louis knocks on the door. Harry is silent and Louis is starting to get worried. 

“Babe? It’s me,” Louis says and tries to turn the knob. They hear it click and Louis opens the door to see Harry sitting on the floor, back against the wall beside the doorframe. Louis looks at Perrie and grabs the glass of water Eleanor has offered. Louis silently signals the two of them to go back into the lounge as Louis steps in and closes the door. 

He sits beside Harry and offers the glass of water. Harry shakes his head and instead, leans his head on Louis' shoulder. With a bit of height difference, Louis tries to sit straight so Harry would be comfortable. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Louis asks as he cradles Harry’s left hand in his palms. He doesn’t know why he hadn’t noticed if before but Harry’s wrist had gone relatively thin compared to the past months. 

Harry doesn’t answer but after a couple of minutes Harry stands up and offers Louis a hand. He says he wants ice cream and Louis is more than willingly to get him all the banana flavoured ice cream his wallet can get just to cheer him up. 

— 

He’d always been nervous, easily upset, holding himself irrevocable standards and it pains Louis to see him smile less. Harry gets petrified easily, he’s frozen most of the time; terrified of disappointing people and making mistakes. 

Louis tells him he’s perfect anyway. 

Instead, he would just ignore Louis and cry. 

Louis tells Eleanor and Perrie to watch over Harry and if they can make him leave for home early, the better. 

Louis calls in the lads for dinner in their apartment one day. 

He gets home early, prepares dinner and orders the finest wine. He doesn’t know what to do, he just wants Harry to be happy again and receive him from stress. 

Niall had flown from Ireland and it was just one of the best surprises Louis had planned for Harry. 

He asked the lads to come an hour early before Harry arrives. They all helped in preparing the meal. Liam and Zayn settled the cutlery and plates, while Niall popped some wonderful music. 

“Work has been terrible, Lou—“ 

Harry blinks as he drops his bag down and gallops towards Niall’s back. Niall lets out a distressed sound and falls on the couch. “Niall! You’re here!” Harry beams and Niall chuckles. 

Harry laughs as Niall pokes his dimples and Louis looks at them from the kitchen. He’s holding a tray of steak and catches Harry’s eyes on him. 

Louis thinks he’s made the most wonderful person happy and he could live with that. Harry greets Liam and Zayn as they descend from the dining area. Harry tells them stories and asks how they were. Louis calls for them and they enjoyed the night. 

When the lads had settled on the living room to play FIFA, Louis goes to the kitchen to grab them beer. He stands by the counter to grab the bottle opener when Louis is engulfed by long arms in an embrace. 

“Thank you,” Harry whispers, small and shy and Louis presses the side of his head against Harry’s cheek. 

“Anything for you love,” Louis replies and he tilts his face to place a kiss on Harry’s lips. It’s been so long since the last time he sees Harry smile fully. Louis thinks he’d done something proper for Harry and he wishes for this to last. 

— 

Harry had spent all day working, trying to come up with ideas. He would drown himself with caffeine, joe after joe. Perry would stop him, and give him frozen yogurt instead. He’d ask Louis for help sometimes. They would check on portfolios after portfolios. Louis would find time to reply to him even if he’s disrupting the class. 

One time, Harry had called in sick. He stayed at home and Louis asked him thrice if he’s okay before going to class. Harry assured him that he can manage and will be fine. Louis believes him and steps out of the flat. 

When Louis comes home after his 4 pm class, he is surprised to find Harry sitting on the same spot, wearing his pyjamas. He hadn’t moved out of the bed, didn’t even prepared himself food and Louis frowns at the sight. 

“Baby?” Louis says as he sits beside Harry and loosens his necktie. Harry is staring at his feet, legs pressed in his chest and hair, wild and ruffled messily. He doesn’t hear Louis, and Louis quirks his eyebrows in worry. 

Louis doesn’t know what to do. But he just doesn’t want to send him to the hospital because Harry is _not_ broken. Harry is just stressed with work and asking him to stay in is the best thing to do. They could go to holidays, to the beach or rent a house up north and relax. Yeah, he can do that. _They_ can do that. 

Harry is already asleep after Louis had asked him to finish half of the soup Louis had prepared. He’s curled beside Louis and Louis plays with Harry’s hair. 

“What’s happening with you, Harry?” Louis asks the wind as he closes his eyes and hugs Harry close. He pulls the duvet up to Harry’s chin and pecks Harry’s lips before drifting off to sleep. 

Harry could still cook, he could still do things he used to do. He could still read and talk to friends but he stopped taking photographs. He doesn’t even go to Tommo Snaps anymore and Perrie assures Louis that she and Eleanor can handle it. 

Louis stays home whenever Harry stays in. He’s lucky that term in Princeton is almost done and he couldn’t be more thankful. Louis stays up as late as he could because another habit Harry had grown doing is not falling asleep. Louis tries his best to comfort Harry-- he would recite lines of poems, sings hims lullabies and tells comments that would make Harry feel loved and pretty and wanted. 

If Louis is lucky, Harry would fall asleep easily after his lullabies. Harry will curl on his lap, hair all over Louis' and the sheets. However, after a couple of hours, after Louis had joined him in dreamland, Harry shakes awake and would shift at the end of the bed-- legs against his chest and eyes wide. Even if Louis feels lucky, he knows he’d failed because Harry’s sleep is getting shorter and shorter as each day passes. 

Louis knows that when he’s asleep, Harry feels trapped—awake thinking of all horrible things; uncomfortable as he waits for the morning. 

— 

“How’s Harry?” It was Zayn and Louis tries to breathe. 

A new term has just started and Louis runs a hand on his face when Zayn knocks in his classroom. Zayn looks so much fit now. He looks happy and glowing and Louis misses how Harry used to look like that. 

Zayn offers Louis a cup of joe and Louis takes it in his palms. 

“We’re going to a therapist tomorrow,” Louis replies with a sigh and Zayn furrows his eyebrows. He pulls the nearest armchair and sits across Louis behind the desk. 

“How bad is it?” 

“He’s not sleeping. He doesn’t even eat, and he’s getting anxious day by day. He’s worried all the time, Zayn. He’s not happy. Harry’s not the same—Harry, my baby, Zayn, my baby—“ 

Zayn gets up quickly to cradle Louis in his embrace. Louis weeps and Zayn feels broken. 

They’ve been best mates back in uni. It’s been 10 years and Zayn is just lost to see Louis shatter into pieces. Louis doesn’t even know how to gather broken pieces and put them together himself. 

“It’ll be okay,” Zayn whispers as he rubs a comforting hand on Louis’ back. Louis hopes that Zayn can magically make Harry better. 

— 

They went to see a therapist, then a psychiatrist who prescribed antidepressants and sleeping pills, which Louis naively thought was a huge overreaction. 

Harry agrees with him. 

“You have to drink these pills baby,” Louis says one night as Harry sits on the bed and Louis looks at him with such fondness and desire despite the bag growing under Harry’s eyes. Louis loves him still despite the lines on his forehead or the frown that’s plastered permanently on his lips. 

Harry hides his camera on his third week taking in the pills. He doesn’t eat still, and only sleeps for a few minutes. Louis taught some of his courses online so he could watch over Harry while still working at home. 

One night, when Louis is reading through his students’ essays, Harry sits beside him on the couch and snuggles under his chin. Louis smiles as Harry wraps himself around Louis' lithe frame. 

“Hi baby,” Louis says. He closes his laptop to give his full attention to Harry. 

He missed this. He misses Harry actually clinging into him. He misses how Harry used to make the first move, acting all desperate for Louis’ attention. Louis misses how Harry’s warmth blends in perfectly with his. He misses how Harry can be a sweet adorable cat despite his long baby giraffe body. 

Harry beams despite the pale look in his face. Louis fights the urge to frown and instead leans to kiss Harry’s lips quickly. Harry hates to be kissed recently and Louis misses that too. Terribly. Painfully. 

“Louis?” 

“Babe?” 

“Hide the pills somewhere I wouldn’t see.” 

“Harry, you know what the doctor said.” 

“I know,” Harry mumbles as he clutched on Louis’ jumper tightly. “But I don’t want to take them. If I see those pills, it makes me feel like I’m nearing death. Louis.” 

Louis fights the sound about to come from the back of his throat. He doesn’t want that to happen. He doesn’t want Harry to feel that way. This is all wrong. This is not what he had planned. Louis looks at Harry who’s playing at Louis' stubble and Louis tries his best to smile, happy and wide. 

Louis doesn’t know what happened. He doesn’t know where his ball of sunshine had gone to. The smile in his face is no more there. It was completely gone. The lines of stress and anxiety had replaced Harry’s energy and wit. He’s always tensed. Harry’s always quiet and lost and Louis can’t take all of this. It pains him every single time. The beams and brightness in his eyes are now gone in his green orbs and Louis misses that. He misses the way Harry looks at him with so much fond and love. 

Louis promised to hide the pills. He pulls Harry to the bedroom and tries his best to sing him all best lullabies to make Harry fall asleep. 

He didn’t fall though, Louis did. 

And Harry stayed up awake the entire night. 

— 

Louis forgot hiding the pills one morning as he rushed to class. 

Louis couldn’t forgive himself. 

Louis comes home with Harry kneeling in the bathroom tub, back hunched. He’s leaning against the wall, the knob of the shower at the end of his feet. Harry’s holding the canister, pills in it, and Louis—Louis wants to punch himself on the face; wants to bang himself on the wall. 

“Baby,” Louis croaks and Harry turns slowly, holding the canister tightly with shaking hands and looks at Louis with wide red eyes. Louis feels himself shattering again and he thinks how many time can a person shatter into the ground and pull themselves back together just to last long? 

Louis gets inside the tub and kneels across Harry. He reaches for the container and pushes some of Harry’s long strands at the back of his ear. Louis looks at Harry and thinks of how they used to bathe together, play with the bubbles and pretend they’re old men spreading fake moustaches on their chins. 

Harry would always mope for his baby facial hair and he finds it sexy that Louis leaves stubble whenever he shaves. 

Louis hugs him close as he turns the knob and let warm water pour on both of them. He whispered ‘I love yous’ nonstop until Harry stops mumbling and whispering nonsensical things that reverberates in the bathroom. 

Louis had never felt more bad in his entire life. 

— 

It was one weekend, after the pills incident, Louis feels he can no longer take care of Harry. 

Louis is preparing them tea. Louis wakes up instantly. He’s used to getting up early, later than 5 am is a bad thing because Harry doesn’t sleep and Harry wouldn’t feed himself because he can’t. 

Louis prepares Harry his sweet tea and pours milk in his mug when he hears Harry screaming and talking inside their bedroom. Louis peeks at the creak of the door and snaps because he just couldn’t take it anymore. 

He calls Zayn and Niall and asks them to come by. 

Louis is waiting at the living room when Zayn and Liam appeared in his flat. It was sunny outside and yet Louis feels cold like winter in December or strong winds of gloom under the typhoon. 

When Zayn approached Louis, Louis breaks down and Niall hurries himself inside the bedroom where Harry squeals in seeing his best mate. Louis sobs in Zayn’s chest while they all listen to Harry's stories of elephants, giraffes and babies he’d once seen when he held a photoshoot in a zoo. 

Liam goes to the kitchen to see two mugs filled with tea. Both of it cold. 

Louis thinks his Harry vanished into thins of air. 

— 

Liam and Zayn packed Harry’s clothes while Louis takes a rest on the bed. Niall bring Harry for a walk and buys him lunch. 

Louis watches as Liam folds the clothes neatly and Zayn presses jumper after jumper for Liam to pack. Louis is lying on the bed, eyes trying their very best to watch which shirt to pick, and which pants to leave. He can’t quite remember anymore if he had told them to pack Harry’s favourite coat: Louis gift when they took a holiday in LA when Harry appeared in his front door 6 years ago. 

“Where are we going?” Harry asks and Louis can clearly recall the way Harry’s eyes brighten up at the idea of going on a trip. 

Maybe Louis is the one causing Harry pain. Maybe Louis had confined Harry in the house that it trapped him forever and doesn’t know how to get out. Maybe Louis had been too demanding and clingy and bull in this relationship that it destroyed Harry’s sanity. 

Louis doesn’t answer. _He can’t answer._

“Niall?” Harry asks and Louis is pained each time he hears Harry’s voice. He didn’t sign up for this. He didn’t sign up for Harry to go mad and sick. Louis didn’t sign up to see the love of his life going insane. Louis didn’t sign up to hurt Harry. 

“A trip Hazza. Holiday.” Niall responses and Harry nods before turning to face Louis and smiles as if nothing is wrong. Louis wants to get out of the car and let a truck run over him. _If only._

They arrived in the centre and Louis wants to puke. 

He plants himself frozen because Harry’s not going home anytime soon. 

It crushed Louis’ dreams of a happy ending. 

It crushed Louis’ dreams of _to infinity and beyond_. 

“He has to stay,” the doctor says and Louis looks blankly at Harry from the other side of the glass wall. Zayn and Liam are with him, listening to the explanations and reminders to do when to visit. 

Louis isn’t paying any attention. He’s just staring at Harry. Harry seems so small now compared to how tall and bright he was back then. Harry seems so little and shy. He gets easily scared now. Louis feels shite. Harry seems like a baby, definitely Louis’ baby, compared to the strong energetic boy he loved back in uni. 

It has been 12 years. 12 years and everything feels like a blur. Everything feels unreal and Louis breaks down as he stares at Harry’s face—sobs on the ground, broken, shattered and never ever going to be fixed again. 

If people thinks Harry’s broken, Louis begs to differ. He’s the one who’s broken and not Harry. He _is_ and not his Hazza. 

They left after Niall had tucked Harry into bed and Louis feels bad because he had never made Harry fall asleep for the past months. He had _failed_ Harry. 

On their way home, Louis curls on the seat, his head on Niall’s lap and hands clasped with Zayn’s. He cried until he fell asleep. 

He couldn’t recall what time they’d gotten home but remembered Niall carrying him into the bedroom. Louis shifted under the sheets and cried miserably until he fell back to sleep. 

— 

Louis pulls the duvet near him. 

It’s been a month. 

He turns to his side to face Harry’s spot on the bed. He misses his scent: strawberry and peppermint. He misses the warmth, the weight, everything. 

Louis continues to teach in Princeton. He still grades papers, corrects essays and tries his best not to weep whenever he discusses a sonnet, a poem, an ode to the rest of his class. 

It’s funny how he can manage to stop himself from tearing up since everything he teaches simply reminds him of how Harry used to nuzzle against him as he read a chapter of Rumi, or Shakespeare, or Keats. Louis finds himself mental because how he can manage to stop himself from weeping down when teaching Wilde only reminds him of Harry and his perfect photographs. 

How Louis manages himself from stopping marching out of the room because every time they recite a poem, all he can think of Harry’s love for him and how he wished that their love story is not as broken as the literary selections they’ve been discussing. 

Louis finds himself smitten and wishes hope to fire up. 

Louis misses Harry and yet, how can he face Harry when he’s broken and shattered? 

_I can get used to pain_

_Pain is inevitable_

_Pain is a necessity_

_Pain is always there_

_It’s hope that makes me sob_

_makes me doubt_

_because ‘m not quite sure_

_if hope will be there till the end_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Please tell me your thoughts about it. xxxx


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